364 days a year I wipe other people’s butts. 364 days a year I clean crumbs from various places throughout the house where crumbs should not live. 364 days a year I to cook for someone who believes candy is a major food group. 364 days a year I curse the creators of Disney Jr. shows for coming up with their annoyingly catchy theme songs. And I do it willingly(ish) for 364 days a year because I love my family, I love my KIDS more than I ever could have imagined. But you know what I also love? Being loved, appreciated, and pampered for all that I do. I’m not insane,I don’t expect that on a random Tuesday in March, but I DO expect it once a year. On that magical, glorious, fantastical day…Mother’s Day. On THAT day, I want it, I want it all!!
Mother’s Day Manifesto:
Every and ALL moms are to be celebrated equally.
Mother’s Day should include an option for extension. 5:00pm on Friday evening and continue until 11:59pm Sunday night. When you literally grow a person inside of your body for 9 months, you should get more than 24 hours of celebration one time a year.
Although it should go without saying, moms should be granted as much sleep as they would like on Mother’s Day. Mothers are not to be awoken by an alarm clock, a request for something or loud crashes in the other room.
Coffee (the good stuff) should be provided to mothers immediately upon waking. It is to be heated or cooled to the correct temperature. Mothers are not to drink luke-warm hot coffee or watered down iced coffee on Mother’s Day.
The following words are not be be spoken in front of mom: dishes, laundry, cleaning, dirty diaper, homework, carpool, “I need you to..”, etc. Also prohibited: Whining, crying, yelling, arguing and/or complaining.
Mom is to be hugged or kissed for no reason every 30 minutes. In addition to the physical affection, mom should be complemented every hour on the hour.
Unless specified by mom, she will not be expected to cook, clean, diffuse arguments, or be responsible for handling anything.
Under no circumstance should the mother being celebrated be expected to deal with any bodily fluids other than her own. This includes, but is not limited to: snot, pee, poop, unknown foreign matter, etc.
Tell mom she’s pretty. Just because.
If there is a choice to be made (i.e. Where to dine, what to watch, where to go, who to see, etc) mom will have the final decision, with no hesitation from her family, no questions asked and definitely no “But, I don’t like that”. Alternatively, if mom does not feel like making any decisions at all, they will be made for her, without argument.
The house will be cleaned prior to Sunday and kept clean throughout the day. Moms should at NO point during the day have to maneuver through toy obstacle courses, have to sweep up goldfish crumbs or be in danger of impaling her foot on any small plastic toys.
Moms should be allowed any sugar, alcohol, carb and cheese that her little heart desires.
Any wearable, homemade gift will be graciously accepted, but not expected to make an appearance outside of their own home.
An all day “veto power” will be given to mothers and can be put to use at any time and
anywhere during the day and shall not be met with any opposition, no matter the situation.
Pictures of the day will be taken without argument and or prompting by the guest of honor. The momentous occasion shall be documented with numerous pictures from different angles with mom actually IN the picture.
Coupon books from anyone over the age of 12 will not be considered a “gift”.
All arguments, squabble, disagreements will be kept 100 yards (at minimum) from mom.
If you need something, mom should be the last person that you go to. Ask dad, ask sibling, ask the neighbor, ask the dog if you need to, just not mom.
Every mother should have a bubble bath drawn especially for them. All children’s toys are to be removed from the bathtub beforehand. ADULT scented bubble bath (no Bubbly Bubblegum, Happy Honeydew, Super Strawberry is to be used). One, if not all, of the following will be provided: robe, slippers, scented candles, relaxing music, glass of wine.
Cartoons will not be heard in the background at any point in the day. If they must be viewed the mute button or headphones must be put into use.
Husbands/Boyfriends/Partners/Friends/Family are to suck it up for one day and make sure everything and anything is taken care of for mom and do so with a smile on their face. ONE day, just please give us at least one whole day when we get can just relax and enjoy only the good parts of being a mom.