Huge Boobs, Not Hot: Victoria’s Secret Model boobs without the cost or risk of surgery?! Sounds great, right? Wrong! Not only will your new knockers send you running to the mall to stock up on new bras and tops, they hurt too! Although your new Playboy worthy chest may look appealing, preg boobs are heavy, sore, sweaty and always getting in the damn way! On the bright side, huge boobs and a huge belly make the rest of your body look slimmer. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.
Your Level Of Gassiness Is Seriously Out Of Control: If you are one of those women who has never burped and farted in front of your man, now is the time to get over it. Let’s be real, there are only so many times you can blame it on the dog. There’s no use fighting it, just give into the fact that for the next 9 months your home will be filled with more farts and burps than a frat house on Mexican Food night. Sexy, huh?
Everything Gets Fat, Including Your Woo Haa: Every woman is prepared to gain weight during pregnancy. Your belly grows, your ass gets a little fatter and so does everywhere else. I mean everywhere. My beloved yoga pants have been benched lately not because my belly stretches them out, not because my butt is too big, but because my Woo Ha is getting fat! No joke, it’s one of those rarely discussed glorious side effects of pregnancy. Hmmmm, guess I missed the “Fat Vag” section in all the pregnancy books that I read.
You’ll Pee Your Pants: You’ve probably spent a lot of time thinking about all the diapers you’ll soon need to buy. Well, hate to break it to you, but you might want to add adult diapers to your shopping list. Long gone are the days when you can cough/sneeze/jump without leaking a little bit of pee. From now on whenever you sneeze you will need to squeeze your legs and fight the urge to grab your crotch. It’s ok though, wetting your pants can be a bonding experience between you and baby, right?
Oh God, the Moods Swings: It’s no secret that pregnancy hormones throw your mood out of whack, but it’s a bit more dramatic and excessive than you might expect. One minute your husband forgets to take out the trash and you are filled with Lorena Bobbit level wife rage. And the next minute you’ll be so touched by the fact that he remembered to feed the dogs that your outpouring of love will have him wondering what kind of drug you are on. Seriously, I’m pretty positive Jekyll and Hyde was inspired by a pregnant woman.
You Will Eat Like an Animal: Sure you need extra calories for the baby. Of course, you will indulge in some of you weird pregnancy cravings. But, did you know that you will have an insatiable appetite that will cause you to eat snack after snack until you are surrounded by so many torn wrappers and food scraps that it looks like a racoon got into your trash. Yep, pretty much. You will sadly learn that the extra apple and string cheese you packed in your purse will not stand up to the unstoppable PREGNANCY APPETITE. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Leave a comment below and let me know YOUR pregnancy symptoms!