Last Sunday afternoon I got the chance to take a mid afternoon nap, something that I almost forgot existed since becoming a mother. I awoke refreshed and revitalized and merrily hopped down stairs to see what my family was up to. I walked into the living room to find my husband solemnly staring into space. I immediately ran over and asked him what was wrong.
Me: Babe, is everything ok?? What happened?!
Husband: I just can’t believe it. I don’t even know how it happened.
Me: How what happened?? Is everyone ok? Did you get a phone call?? What is going on?!?!?
Husband: They just….lost.
Me: Lost what?? Did someone get kidnapped? Did a house burn down? Did someone go bankrupt and lose all their money?
My husband turned to me, looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. As I braced myself for the seemingly life changing news, he let a a long sigh and said:
“They lost, the Cowboys just lost”
Yep, this is my life. Once I met my husband I quickly learned that I was going to have to become a football fan, or at least pretend to be. You marry the man, you marry his team. Unfortunately, the last time my husband’s team was a great team there was still dial up internet. So, what’s a wife to do??
Know The Names: I try to be a supportive wife, which unfortunately for me means trying to share interests with my husband. To me, football is basically just a bunch of angry looking guys in too tight pants knocking each other over. To cover my lack of knowledge/interest in the sport, I have found it beneficial to listen to who the commentators are talking about and then repeat what they say 20 minutes later. While I may not have any idea who exactly Miles Austin is or what play he and Tony Romo just completed, thanks to the commentators I impress my husband with my keen football knowledge.
Wear the Team Gear: Over the years I have learned that football fans can be ridiculously superstitious. I learned the hard way that a football team losing a game 400 miles away may have been caused by me forgetting to wear my team jersey. Who knew that postponing laundry day could affect the whole NFL. Now, I make sure to always have my jersey washed and ready for Sundays.
Learn The Facts: Sometimes a team just plays crappy and loses a game(or four). A losing streak is no fun for anyone. Especially me who has to deal with my husband whose maturity level clicks into toddler mode after his team loses. Sometimes, when I see that a loss is inevitable I attempt to distract with positive memories of when his team was good. I try to keep the hope alive, convincing him that his now shitty team once was good and may be good again. Thank god for Wikipedia and their useless pages of football history.
Get Out Of The House: When routing for a mediocre team, football Sunday is an emotional roller coaster. In my house there is a lot of yelling at the TV,couch punching, pacing and dying playoff dreams. Sometimes, in an attempt to curtail the drama I force my husband to watch the game in public. In theory this reduces the amount of times I hear “What the hell is wrong with that ref, is he blind?!”, “You suck, you suck, you suck,you suck”, and “Are you f***ing kidding me?!”. In actuality I hear all of the same complaints, just in a hushed tone.
And, when all else fails…
Booze: Sometimes,when you root for a mediocre team you will have to deal with your husband mourning yet another loss. So, pour yourself a glass of wine/crack open a beer/stir a cocktail and resign to the fact that you will be listening to complaints/highlights/replays for the rest of the day.