“Get ready, being a mom is one of the most difficult jobs in the world”. That’s what was told to me by one of the nurses as I was being rolled into the OR for an emergency c section. Upon hearing that statement, two thoughts immediately popped into my head: 1) Wow, this nurse’s bedside manner really sucks and 2) Holy, shit! I hope she’s wrong!
After 3 weeks in the NICU, countless sleepless nights and almost three years of trial and error parenting, I know now that was one of the truest statements ever spoken. Being a mom is a ridiculously, difficult job. It really is a JOB. Being a mom isn’t just something you are, like being tall or being a singer. It is literally a task adding, stress causing, time consuming JOB. On top of all that, there are no holiday weekends or vacation time AND you live with your boss.
Right now, I am getting over a pretty rough cold. Long gone are the days of lying in bed having my husband bring me tissues and tea. Since there are no mom sick days, I was forced to suck it up and attempt to do the things I normally do. With every diaper change, bedtime story and every crust cut of a sandwich, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wish I could “tag in” a Replacement Mom. It was a thought that I could not get out of my head. After hours of lying in bed coughing and blowing my nose, my cold medicine kicked in and took me away to a magical place where moms could “tag in” other moms at will. Here are a few of my wonderful Nyquil haze dreams about a “Replacement Mom”:
Scenario One: It’s bath time! Your kid wholeheartedly dug into the spaghetti and meatballs you made and there is not an inch of her body that is not covered with sauce. After a few rounds of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” you start to get a little antsy. Then come the bright colored fish bath toys that spit water….all over your freshly blown out hair. As you try to speed up the bath time ritual you see it. “No, it’s my imagination, it’s probably just a toy log from the Lumberjack Bath Toys”. Nope. It’s poop.***Tag Team Time:Enter Replacement Mom***
Scenario Two: You are walking through Target with your child. You went out of your way to be prepared and are armed with the necessities:Apple Juice, Goldfish and your toddler game filled iPhone. Things are going great and your child is so well behaved that you even have time to check out the clearance items at the end of each aisle. You are so caught up in praising yourself for being Super Shopping Mom, you forget to take the route to the registers that bypasses the dreaded Toy Section. Like a slow motion scene in a romantic movie, your child looks up, spots the toy section and..***Tag Team Time:Enter Replacement Mom***
Scenario Three: It has been a looong week. Your husband has his monthly poker night and will be gone all night. To “make up” for his absence (as if you weren’t drooling over the thought of some time alone) he promises to get the kids fed, bathed and to bed. You pour yourself a nice
jug glass of the “good wine”, get a pint normal sized serving of Ben and Jerry’s and que up a weeks worth of deliciously mind numbing reality tv. As you cuddle up with you Snuggie(they’re still cool, right?), you hear the creak of the door and “Moooooommmmy, there’s a monstah in my woom”.***Tag Team Time:Enter Replacement Mom***
Scenario Four: You love your daughter’s new Preschool. She’s learning to count, interact with others and now knows enough songs that you no longer cringe at the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. You have noticed she is getting in the habit of pushing you out of the way when she wants you to move. Your daughter’s teacher calls and says she would like to meet with you in person. Since your daughter’s new habit is obvious to you, you’re sure her teacher notices and that’s what the meeting is about. You sit down with the teacher prepared to discuss methods to help your daughter stop pushing. Instead, the teacher pulls out a list of your daughter’s problem language” over the last week. Monday: Your daughter dropped her paint on the floor and said “Oh dammit I dwopped it”. Wednesday: Your daughter was having trouble putting her shoes on and after a minute of struggling exclaimed “Shit! This not go on my feet”. Friday: Your daughter pushes another girl in class and gets sent to timeout, when asked why she did that your daughter responds by pouting and saying “I no like, bitch”. After folding up her list, the teacher looks at you and asks if you have any idea where she could have learned that type of language.***Tag Team Time:Enter Replacement Mom***
When do you wish you could have someone to “tag in”? Comment below and tell me when you’d call in a Replacement Mom!