It has taken me awhile to submit to the sad but true fact that once you have kids you are really no longer in control. Whether you like it or not, your little mini me is secretly calling all the shots. At least that’s what I believed until I discovered the glorious empowering concept of time out. With a simple threat of the dreaded, frightening TIME OUT (insert evil laugh here) I can often diffuse a tantrum in 3 seconds flat. After two years of having literally no control over what my daughter chooses to do, this new found Time Out power has gotten to my head. I got to thinking how FANTASTIC it would be if I had the power to send anyone to Time Out…ohhh the possibilities! Here is who made it to my Time Out List this week:
The woman at my gym in full makeup, blown out hair and a teeny tiny sports bra that barely covered her (beach balls) fake boobs who had to pick the treadmill right next to mine. She deserves a time out for not emitting one bead of sweat while I huffed and puffed next to her in a sweat soaked ratty tshirt that most like has some sort of kid related stain on it.
My dogs who insist on acting like complete assholes by peeing on any new toy we bring into the house. The second my daughter stops playing with the toy, my dogs race over and “mark their territory” leaving poor Minnie Mouse in a big yellow puddle.
The overachieving mom who I was paired with for snack day at my daughters school. My bags of string cheese and boxes of graham crackers didn’t stand a chance next to the beautifully constructed palm trees made out of bananas and kiwis (wtf?!). Proof that there should definitely be “Pinterest Anonymous” meetings.
My husband because for the 758th time he “accidentally” let one of my beloved reality tv shows get bumped from the DVR list to make room for some 3 hour snoozefest on ESPN. Does he not realize that The Bachelorette is the only thing that gets me through Mondays??
The mother in the grocery store who managed to shop calmly and efficiently with a toddler, pre teen and an infant in a designer Baby Bjorn. The kids worked together to help their mom shop! To make matters worse, the mother (who was obviously part witch) saved $200 with her perfectly clipped and organized coupons. This woman gets sent to a long time out because judging by the way her children were acting, she is evidently sedating them.
The cashier at the wine store who smirked and said “No, it’s ok I don’t need it” when I tried to show her my ID.
If you could, who would YOU send to time out??