26 New Mommy 101 Cliff's Notes Version

Look, I may be very far from a June Cleaver- esque mama, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love being a mom.  There is nothing in the world that feels better than the feeling I get when I am the one my daughter looks to for comfort and holds me tight.  It makes me feel complete.  But, that doesn’t take away from the fact that being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. I’m not going to be one of those women who smiles and gushes about how “it is exhilarating and fulfilling to spend every second of every day watching little Spencer grow and play”.  Look lady, the jig is up, we all know that there is nothing exhilarating about watching your kiddo empty all the Leggos from a bin and then put them back in  47 times. And yeah, parenting is very fulfilling, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel fulfilling at 5am when your toddler pops up and is ready to play.  I think part of my difficulty in adjusting to mommyhood is that I had no idea what to expect.  I wish someone had given me a head’s up, but they didn’t and I have been learning the hard way for the last 16 months.  Here are some of the things I’ve learned...

                                           
                                           New Mommy 101 Cliff's Notes Version

•  People aren’t lying when they say you better learn to live on a few hours sleep.  Invest in some white strips because you have no chance of surviving without coffee.
• You will not be able to wear white until your kid is 12 years old.
• Your bathroom, a place which used to be the place where you brushed your teeth and peed will now become your favorite only place to get away for “you” time.  It will become the only place where you can get a moment of peace, a place that will shelter you from the shit storm going on downstairs when your husband tells your little angel no more “Yo Gabba Gabba”, it’s bedtime.  Trust me, you will grow to seek solace in your bathroom.
• Dogs are totally effective as vacuum cleaners for after dinner messes on the floor
• Remember that place where you and your husband used to go all the time? When you used to go on those wonderful little things called dates. That place where you sit in the dark, eating popcorn and watching a movie on a big screen.... Oh yeah, a movie theater. Yep, you’re not going there again for a LONG time.
• Rock, Paper, Scissors is the only logical way to choose who deals with baby diarrhea.
• You will learn that toys strewn on the floor are little minefields, you will become an expert at avoiding them. Just know that the second you let your guard down you will surely step on a princess building block, Barbie accessory or a plastic chunk of cheese from the play kitchen.  And let me tell you, those plastic little fuckers hurt!
• No matter how many hours you spend childproofing your home,  your toddler’s built-in Dangerous Object Detector will lead her to a pen cap that you dropped behind the couch 3 years ago.
• One of the worst feelings in the world is when you are changing a poop filled diaper and you reach over and find out that you are out of wipes. Nothing quite matches that sinking feeling when you realize you have to pick up that shit covered baby and wander the house in search of substitute wipe.
• At some point you’re bound to find yourself agreeing with Sponge Bob, DJ Lance or Ming Ming.
• Remember that thing I said about no chance of surviving without coffee? Ditto for wine.
• Being a mom to a toddler is pretty similar to working in a psych ward. It’s not out of the ordinary to look over at your kid and watch them crack up while staring at a blank wall.  You become completely immune to the sound of screaming.  Object are thrown at you on a daily basis.
• No matter how much it sucks to have a kid sometimes all the aggravation gets erased with one drooly, goofy smile.

I'm sure I left something out...what would you add to this list?  Looking forward to seeing all your tips!

continue reading "New Mommy 101 Cliff's Notes Version"

42 Bring On The Wives

I read somewhere that in the U.S. there are something like 40,000 people living a polygamist lifestyle. If you take away the religious stuff, Little House on the Prairie dresses and ugly hair, polygamists might really be onto something! Personally, I could never do it because I’m needy, insecure and am a jealous bitch.  But, just think of the possibilities!!

There is an important catch here...you need to make sure that you are the prettiest, smartest and funniest of all the wives. It will also be necessary to be SURE to assert your dominance as the #1 WIFE. Leave them threatening notes, pee on their stuff,  just do whatever it takes to make it know that you are the Alpha Wife. Your goal is to have them think “Damn, that bitch is crazy, we better do what she says.”

Why I Think Polygamy Might Be Kind of Cool

1) Can you imagine how many shoes/clothes you could borrow if you had 6 other women 

     around?  Goodbye, “I have nothing to wear”. Hello, unlimited options!

 

2) You always have a free babysitter nearby. Think of how much freedom you would have if you 

     knew there was always someone there to watch your kid when you didn’t feel like it. And  

     obviously it’s against sister wife code to say no.  Weekend in Vegas, here I come!

 3) Think of how much help you’ll have cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Guess who will NEVER  

     have to stick their hand up a turkey’s ass again!  Plus, with all of those wives around to help,

     you may even get to watch the parade!

 4) Divide the number of annual diaper changes you do and divide it by 4.  I don’t know the exact 

      number, but it = less poop for you.

5) Planning on cooking something that might make your husband extra gassy (as if my lovely 

     hubby could fart any more than he already does)? Next time you plan Bean Burrito night,  

     make sure it’s wife #3’s night with the hubby. Your nose will thank you.

6) You can totally delegate the task of matching up the 368 socks that are shoved in the cabinet 

    above your dryer. 

7) Problem: Ever since I met my husband my beloved Lifetime Movie Sunday marathons came 

     to an end (actually, that’s only partially true, my husband digs a good Lifetime movie every so 

    often) and got taken over Football Sunday.  Solution: Let the other wives root for the Cowboys 

    and eat wings while you catch up on up on bad acting, weepy women and murderous 

    cheerleaders.   

 

8) You would never run out of tampons.

 

9) You can totally play the “I can’t do it, ask another one of your wives” card.

    Husband: “Hey Babe, can you get me....”

    You: “Oh, sorry Babe I’m busy, but I’m sure #4 wouldn’t mind getting it for you.”

10) A lot of wives means a whole bunch of children.  A whole bunch of children 

    means a whole army of mini janitors.  “Suzy, Ryan, John: Bathroom duty.”  

    “Tina and Sean: Laundry. And no red sock in the white load this time!”

    “Ken, Lisa, Brock: Kitchen, and  don’t forget to clean the inside of the 

    microwave.”   You get the idea.

If you are interested in becoming a Sister Wife please email me at:

Ifyouevenlookatmyhusband@Iwillbiteyou.com

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28 Reasons My Husband Drives Me Crazy Linky Party

 I’m so excited!! I am such a lame mom, this is the first party I’ve been to in like a year.  I don’t care that it’s just a linky party.  If we all drink wine while we post then it’s kind of like we are all partying together, right? As good of a reason as any to uncork a new bottle of wine (like being a mom isn’t reason enough)!

Reason #5 My Husband Drives Me Crazy:

His Unconventional Approach To House Cleaning

If you’ve read my previous RMHDMC posts then you know that my husband does not exactly take the typical approach when it comes to everything cleaning. Yes, we may be a little tight on money right now, but we could at least handle buying a cheap dish rack at the dollar store.  But no, not in my household.  In my house if there is no dish rack available then obviously the next best thing is flannel pajama pants. The annoyingness of this needs no explanation, but what makes this EXTRA annoying is the fact that these pj pants were one of his stocking stuffers last Christmas! Ok Babe, I get it, this holiday season you won’t be receiving any makeshift dish racks.


Reason #6 My Husband Drives Me Crazy:  

He Is A Binge Eater Who Hides The Evidence And Forgets About It :

Last week when I was looking for a pacifier in the diaper bag, I happened to open the side pocket that we NEVER put anything in. Weird I thought, maybe it’s a random teething toy or a Yo Gabba Gabba figurine.  NOPE.  It was a fossilized half eaten order of McDonalds french fries.  Eww.  Then, I needed to get something from my husband's closet.  I noticed that it smelled really weird, so I started investigating.  I finally realized the smell was coming from where he keeps his basketball shoes. But it wasn't that familiar scent of smelly foot that I was used to.  Intrigued, I continued to sniff around.  Lo and behold, stuck in his blue Nikes were  two grease-saturated Wendy's wrappers glued together with rock hard cheese. Who IS this man?!  And let me tell you, those Febreze commercials are bullshit, I don’t care how many spritzes of “Clean Linen” is sprayed... old, rotting food smells like shit.

Ok, ladies (and perhaps some fellas)...Does your husband have annoying habits like mine?  Do you need a place to vent? The time has come!  Let the commiserating begin!

I'm not really into rules, but...

1) Please follow my blog and my Facebook page!

2) I worked pretty damn hard on my linky party button, so it would be cool if you grabbed it...the code is hanging out on the top right hand side of my blog;)

3) Please stop by and follow some of the other cool chicks! 

Oh, and a special thanks to my fab hubby for not being offended by this! Let the bitching begin!!

continue reading "Reasons My Husband Drives Me Crazy Linky Party"

36 Treadmills and Tiaras

I don’t know about you guys, but I hate working out.  I exercise for one reason and one reason alone:  I like to eat bread and drink wine and I need to do something to balance it out so my ass won’t get any fatter than it already is.  Of course I’m always glad after exercising, but every single time I walk down the long corridor to the treadmill I feel like I am an inmate making my way to the electric chair.  

The process of getting ready and leaving to go to the gym, as with everything in my life, is chaotic and rushed.  My checklist before leaving is:
Double sports bra - so my boobs don’t flop in every direction: check.
Deodorant -  so I don’t smell like a NYC cab driver: check.
Hair tie - so I don’t have to constantly brush my Medusa hair with 3” dark roots out of my eyes and mouth: check.  

Pretty simple, bare necessities, that’s all you need right? WRONG!  I must have missed the section of the registration form where dress code was outlined that all women that walk into the gym must have a perfect matching workout outfit, wedding makeup and perfectly styled pageant hair. There is only one logical explanation for the way the women who attend my gym look.  Bravo must be filming a new reality show: Treadmills and Tiaras.

It’s not that I don’t  completely care about how I look, but if I don’t do my hair and makeup everyday for my husband, I sure as hell am not going to get all gussied up before I go to a place where my goal is to sweat.  I just don’t see anything wrong with the fact that my work out apparel consists of my husband’s hand me down white (ok, white-ish) Hanes undershirts and my one pair of black Adidas running pants that I got on sale at Kohl’s. Do I do my hair before I go to the gym?  I’m not even going to dignify that question with an answer.  And makeup?  Puh-leeze,  who wants to be all Picasso face-y when they are working out?   

I think part of what bothers me about these women is the fact that they manage to have perfect bodies without actually working out.  If you saw one of these women sashaying on the treadmill for 30 minutes, you’d swear she exerted more energy that morning teasing her hair.  I don’t know how they do it, but they never sweat.  There is not even a demure girly “glow” going on.  Is “sweat gland plugging” some trendy new plastic surgery that I don’t know about?  By far the worst part is the showgirl-inspired workout attire.  Like it’s not bad enough these Barbie-wannabes put the rest of us real women to shame with their photo shoot hair and their model makeup, but do they REALLY need to flaunt their “assets” by wearing just a slutty sports bra and booty shorts.  Wake up ladies, this isn’t the fitness center at the Playboy Mansion.  Oh, and FYI, no matter how fit you are, having your ass cheeks hang out while you are “exercising” screams attention-seeking-hoe and is probably the quickest way to get your tires slashed by another woman.

I am evolved enough to know that some of my feelings about these women probably stems from insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, blah, blah, blah.  I am not evolved enough to refrain from bitching about it on my blog.  Ok, next time I see one of these girls I guess I could try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe behind the caked on makeup and slutty workout attire there is a perfectly nice, sweet woman that if I didn’t judge might even be a potential friend. Maybe... I just really hope she slips doesn’t slip on the rust colored puddle that formed from her spray tan dripping off onto the floor.

 

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24 Hot and Steamy

Want to know the quickest and easiest way to heat up your marriage this summer? No, it doesn’t involve kinky costumes or reenacting scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey.  All you have to do is......BREAK your air conditioner.  Sorry, to get your hopes up, this isn’t going to be one of those ridiculous articles in Cosmo “Sexy Texts to Send Your Man” or “Tease Your Man With Your Hair” (seriously Cosmo, is your target market  young women or twenty year old aspiring hookers?).  ANYWAY, my air conditioner doesn’t break in May or June when the heat is still bearable. Of course it had to break in late July, a month when Arizona’s weather rivals the depths of hell.  And of course it breaks when we are broke and can’t afford to pack up and have a mini staycation at a local hotel. I know, I know, all this “woe is me” bullshit when there are so many worse things going on in the world.  I may be moody and I may like to bitch, but the sweat dripping into my eyes doesn’t prevent me from seeing how lucky I am.


Some time after Popsicle number 6 and before I yelled at the dogs for panting their stinky hot breath on my leg, it hit me....Yeah, this isn’t the most ideal situation, but I wouldn’t want to anywhere else with anyone else. My husband and I spent the night sweating, watching trash TV and laughing about how unlucky we are.  Granted, we may have been delirious from heat exhaustion, but I had more fun than I have had in a long time.  When everyone else went to sleep I stayed up and was a modern day Florence Nightingale, trying to cool off my family-bowl of water and towel in hand I spent the night wiping down my daughter, husband and two dogs.  We all know that I’m no saint and in between making my “rounds”, wiping my boob sweat and considering packing up and moving to Alaska, there were quite a few mini tantrums about the heat.  Tantrums aside, I really think this was a blessing in disguise.  Although this experience didn’t “heat up” my marriage in a traditional way, this is definitely one of those times where our little family bond grew a little stronger.  Just a heads up to the “Air Conditioner Gods”, thank you, I learned my lesson, now give me back my damn AC.

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52 He's Lucky He's So Cute

I think I’ve allowed my husband enough time to lick his wounds after the last “Reasons My Husband Drives Me Crazy”.  So here is the newest installment of RMHDMC!

Reason #3 My Husband Drives Me Crazy:

Rather than empty the dishwasher, the man will use whatever is already in the cabinet to eat/drink out of.

This is one of those things that I just do NOT understand! First off, it's annoying enough that my husband doesn't empty the dishwasher when it's clean, but I can understand that.  What I DON'T understand is why he doesn't act like a normal human being and just take a clean mug or glass out of the dishwasher!  These are two pictures just from today...

A sippy cup instead of a coffee mug AND a measuring cup instead of a glass! Is it just me or is this really weird?? 

Reason #4 My Husband Drives Me Crazy:

When something breaks or isn't working properly, he always assumes that I did something to it.

 If there is food stuck to a plate after it goes through the dishwasher, this is what I hear: "BABE, did you put too much soap in the dishwasher, it's not working!".  Or maybe the kitchen sink isn't draining fast enough, then I hear "BAAABE, I told you that you that you can't put popcorn kernels or lemon wedges down the drain, it messes up the garbage disposal!". And the one that drives me the CRAZIEST is when the air conditioner clicks off I hear: "BAAAAABE, did you do something to the air conditioner????". I mean COME ON...my husband knows I'm not stupid.  He knows that I am college educated woman who runs a successful business, yet he thinks I can't figure out how to put soap into a compartment that says "fill to this line"?! The whole garbage disposal thing...I'm not an idiot, I'm not exactly trying to put a dinosaur bone down the disposal. And seriously, if I had some special Sabrina the Teenage Witch like powers that allowed me to control things without moving, does my husband really think I'd use those powers to turn off the air conditioner? 

Side Note: I originally had a different picture of my husband in this post.  I happened to show him this before I put it up. I no longer have that picture on this post.  This is why...

My husband looked at the screen and said "Don't post that! I'm wearing a long sleeve shirt and shorts AND my hat is like 10 times too big for my head. Seriously babe, DON'T post iiiiit!"

He then continued to pout and complain about it until I was so annoyed that I took it down just so he would stop whining, I get enough of that from my daughter.

This annoys me because:

a) he dressed himself

b) I didn't know I married a woman. Get over yourself, who cares how you look on your wife's mommy blog!

Is my husband vain? Maybe.  Does my husband under estimate my common sense when it comes to basic appliance knowledge? For sure.  Does my husband make questionable choices when it comes to drink-ware? DEFINITELY. Is he still the best husband that I could ever have wished for? No Doubt.

**Could you AWESOME ladies (and maybe some guys?) do me a favor? Could you please take 10 seconds and like my Facebook page? I promise I'll post funny stuff! You guys rock!!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crazy-Mama-Drama/259491484156846

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58 12 Steps of Crazy Mama Anonymous

As a first time mom, whether I like it or not, I can finally admit that my life isn't "my own" anymore.  The way I see it, being a mom is kind of like being a recovering alcoholic, you need to give in to move forward. Despite my love affair with wine, I have managed to keep my addictions more in the carb/trashy tv realm.  Still, I think AA really is onto something with the whole 12 step thing.  Here is my modified mommy version...

12 Steps of Crazy Mama Anonymous 

1.  I realize that I am powerless once I became a mother.  My kid is hungry, she has me running to the kitchen.  My little angel decides to shit her pants just as things are really heating up on Real Housewives.  Sucks for me (thank god for DVR), I’ve got some ass wiping to do.  I get it.  Powerless....my life is no longer my own.


2.  It is not only the miracle of birth that confirmed my belief in a high power.  Rather, the fact that I can make it through a day filled with: screaming for no reason, mustard colored diarrhea with chunks of carrots, finding Goldfish crackers in my bra (wtf?) and God damn Dora and Diego giving me vocab lessons in Spanish.  Yep, the fact that I am even somewhat sane confirms the presence of a higher power.

3.  I turn my life over to my daughter for one simple reason...I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. And, I love her and don’t want her to grow up to be a stripper or serial killer or one of those annoying telemarketers that refuse to take you off their “do not call” list.


4.  I have broken down and taken a moral inventory of myself:
-I have a good heart.
-The Magic Mommy Fairy didn’t direct her wand my way so I am on my own to learn all this mom stuff.
-I have a terrible potty mouth (the “colorful” language I use on any given day would make Jay- Z blush).
-I’m bitchy too many days out of the month to blame it on PMS.
-I am trying my best.


5.  I admit to my countless mom wrongs on a daily basis:
I employ the 5 second rule when my daughter drops her pacifier; when I hear my daughter making sounds at 5:30am I often put my pillow over my head and  go back to sleep; there are days that my daughter wears just a diaper because I haven’t gotten around to doing laundry.


6.  I entirely accept motherhood and am ready to be stripped of all my “Brooke-ish” faults and be transformed into June Cleaver of Scottsdale.

7.  Hell, I’m ready....mom defects BE GONE!! Did it work?

8.  Rather than make a list of everyone I’ve “harmed” I will save space and direct my amends to anyone who has encountered me between the times in the morning before my first cup of  coffee and in the evening  before my second first glass of wine.

9.  Here is a blanket statement for all of the people who have been subjected to the wrath of an overtired, moody, mama who has traded in partying for playgroups and Prada for Pampers: “I’m sorry, but, give me a break, I’m a first time mom, I’m still adjusting”.

10.  I will continue to take an honest look at my mothering skills and admit when I do something wrong (wow, this is a real self esteem booster):

Last week I was busy with work and instead of playing with Ella, I let Nick Jr. “babysit” her for 2.5 hours (hey, its kinda educational).
Yesterday part of my daughter’s lunch consisted of leftover english muffin that was still on her highchair tray from breakfast.

I saw my dog Rocky playing with one of her toys and rather than sanitize it, I looked the other way when I saw her playing with it the next day.

I let Ella play with my husband’s empty beer bottle AND took pictures because I think it’s funny.


11.  I pray that I have the patience and knowledge to become a really good mommy.  I also pray that my daughter does not have the ability to comprehend all the shit I talk right in front of her face because I don’t think she understands.  I also pray that her first word is not “f*ck”.

12.  These steps have brought me to a Mommy Awakening.  I wouldn’t say I’m exactly proud of the mothering skills that I possess, but I am sure as hell learning by the day.  For example, I now know that if a bottle of unfinished milk rolls behind the couch and is not found for 3 weeks, it’s for sure going to smell like you are hiding a dead body.


I guess acceptance and “giving yourself” to the “program” is the only way to succeed at this whole mommy thing. Ok, Ella.  You win, YOU are the boss.

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16 My Husband Is Paying People To Give Me Awards

Two awards in one week?! Damn, I’m feeling pretty awesome.  I also kind of feel like my husband might be paying people off to give me these blogging awards.  I mean, think about it, the more time I spend blogging, the less time I spend nagging him.  The more I bitch about things on my blog, the less I bitch about things to him.  Hmmm... I think I might be onto something.  Regardless of why/how I got this award, I am super excited!  I haven’t been blogging for long, so it means a lot to me that someone other than my mom (she is obligated to read it, she gave birth to me) and my husband (I quiz him nightly on what I posted and he knows better than to risk failing that test) actually takes the time to read what I am bitching about on any given day. A special thanks to City Girl Gone Ranch Mama for awarding me with the Fabulous Blog Ribbon, you rock!

Here's the rules:

1.  Post the rules on your blog

2.  Name 5 of your most fabulous moments either in real life or in the blogosphere

3.  Name 5 things you love

4.  Name 5 things you hate

5.  Pass the ribbon on to 5 other bloggers

Name 5 of your most fabulous moments:

1) The glorious day that I managed to get the most handsome, sweetest man in the world to marry me!  Some highlights of the day include:
-Me storming out of the salon because the girl made my hair look “like a f*ucking mushroom”.
-My husband making pictures start late because he was having a tantrum about how his tux fit (uhhh, babe it wasn’t the tux’s fault that you chose not to work out before the wedding like you planned).
-Our ceremony starting 45 minutes late and pissing people off.
-My husband crying during his vows and then complaining about how he looked stupid crying for the rest of the night.
After that things got a little fuzzy because the Klonopin I took for my anxiety did not mix so well with champagne:/

2) The moment they pulled Ella out of my belly and confirmed that she was breathing (you can read more about that here).

3)  04/12/11 at 3:45pm when the doctors told us that Ella’s surgery went well and they removed the evil volvulus from her.  My baby is one bad ass bitch-she sure as hell wasn’t going to let that .5 pound bowel obstruction mess with her!

4) After I had Ella when I finally got to dye my hair back to its fabulous bottle blonde color.  I may have been born brunette, but I am a bottle blonde through and through.

5) Mid June through Mid August, the time of year when I get a break from my husband’s football and basketball obsession.  That’s a lie, there’s never a REAL break...my daughter’s first word is going to be “ESPN”.

5 Things I Love:

1) The fact that my husband gets up with the baby 90% of the time and is the in-house diaper changer.
2) Any form of bread and cheese
3) The moments when my daughter cracks herself up for no reason and I realize she’s going to grow up to be REALLY weird.  Hey, in my book,  weird trumps boring any day.
4) Wine, beer and other libations.
5) Gossip mags.  Come on, you know seeing Beyonce’s cellulite makes you feel good about yourself too!

5 Things I Hate:

1) Ughhhh migraines.
2) People who think that money and “power” make them important.
3) People who can’t take a joke.
4) Waiting....for anything.  Patience is not one of my strong suits.
5) Calories (Who doesn’t hate those pesky little things that make you fat?).

And now for the FABULOUS ladies who I would like to pass this award along to:

Red Vines and Red Wine
You Know it Happens at Your House Too
The Underachiever's Guide To Being a Domestic Goddess
Twins Happen
The Klonopin Chronicles

These are all ridiculously amazing blogs that everyone needs to go check out....right now!

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