Look, I may be very far from a June Cleaver- esque mama, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love being a mom. There is nothing in the world that feels better than the feeling I get when I am the one my daughter looks to for comfort and holds me tight. It makes me feel complete. But, that doesn’t take away from the fact that being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. I’m not going to be one of those women who smiles and gushes about how “it is exhilarating and fulfilling to spend every second of every day watching little Spencer grow and play”. Look lady, the jig is up, we all know that there is nothing exhilarating about watching your kiddo empty all the Leggos from a bin and then put them back in 47 times. And yeah, parenting is very fulfilling, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel fulfilling at 5am when your toddler pops up and is ready to play. I think part of my difficulty in adjusting to mommyhood is that I had no idea what to expect. I wish someone had given me a head’s up, but they didn’t and I have been learning the hard way for the last 16 months. Here are some of the things I’ve learned...
New Mommy 101 Cliff's Notes Version
- People aren’t lying when they say you better learn to live on a few hours sleep. Invest in some white strips because you have no chance of surviving without coffee.
- You will not be able to wear white until your kid is 12 years old.
- Your bathroom, a place which used to be the place where you brushed
your teeth and peed will now become your favorite
onlyplace to get away for “you” time. It will become the only place where you can get a moment of peace, a place that will shelter you from the shit storm going on downstairs when your husband tells your little angel no more “Yo Gabba Gabba”, it’s bedtime. Trust me, you will grow to seek solace in your bathroom.
- Dogs are totally effective as vacuum cleaners for after dinner messes on the floor
- Remember that place where you and your husband used to go all the time? When you used to go on those wonderful little things called dates. That place where you sit in the dark, eating popcorn and watching a movie on a big screen.... Oh yeah, a movie theater. Yep, you’re not going there again for a LONG time.
- Rock, Paper, Scissors is the only logical way to choose who deals with baby diarrhea.
- You will learn that toys strewn on the floor are little minefields, you will become an expert at avoiding them. Just know that the second you let your guard down you will surely step on a princess building block, Barbie accessory or a plastic chunk of cheese from the play kitchen. And let me tell you, those plastic little fuckers hurt!
- No matter how many hours you spend childproofing your home, your toddler’s built-in Dangerous Object Detector will lead her to a pen cap that you dropped behind the couch 3 years ago.
- One of the worst feelings in the world is when you are changing a poop filled diaper and you reach over and find out that you are out of wipes. Nothing quite matches that sinking feeling when you realize you have to pick up that shit covered baby and wander the house in search of substitute wipe.
- At some point you’re bound to find yourself agreeing with Sponge Bob, DJ Lance or Ming Ming.
- Remember that thing I said about no chance of surviving without coffee? Ditto for wine.
- Being a mom to a toddler is pretty similar to working in a psych ward. It’s not out of the ordinary to look over at your kid and watch them crack up while staring at a blank wall. You become completely immune to the sound of screaming. Object are thrown at you on a daily basis.
- No matter how much it sucks to have a kid sometimes all the aggravation gets erased with one drooly, goofy smile.
I'm sure I left something out...what would you add to this list? Looking forward to seeing all your tips!