I have been thrown many curve balls, lots of twists and turns on this road of life. But, never have I been encountered with something that could have prepared me for such sudden, definitive changes. Changes that have pushed me forward so quickly that I barely even realized they happened. No, I’m not talking the normal stages of life, childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Not puberty or menopause either. I’m talking about The Big Three P’s: Pre Pregnancy, Pregnancy and Post Pregnancy. How I got from that first “P” to the last “P” is kind of a blur, all I know is that my life will never be the same.
Pre-Pregnancy: Your favorite places to dine out are chic, romantic restaurants with gourmet menus. You tip your server extra because of the great service and great food.
Pregnancy: Your favorite places to dine out are restaurants that offer “All You Can Eat” options. You tip your server extra because you made her go back and forth to the kitchen numerous times for another serving and then yelled at her because she “obviously doesn’t understand the meaning of endless bowl of pasta” and then cried because you yelled. Damn pregnancy hormones.
Post Pregnancy: Your favorite places to dine out are anywhere with quick service, coloring books and loud music (to drown out the sound of your child whining). You tip the server extra because your toddler threw mashed potatoes at her head, ripped open 12 sugar packets and poured them on the floor and mistakenly thought the ketchup she brought was to be used as finger paints.
Pre Pregnancy: You may run the chance of getting puked on by drunk best friends, frat boys at a crowded party or maybe even on yourself in the back of a cab on your 21st bday (not that I would know from experience).
Pregnancy: The urge to vomit makes pregnant women develop keen athletic skills related to popping out of bed, maneuvering around the dogs sleeping on the floor and sprinting to the bathroom at any given moment.
Post Pregnancy: I think you know where this is going…
Pre-Pregnancy: You try to decide whether you want to be a slutty nurse, slutty cop or some sort of slutty animal. Your biggest Halloween problem is trying to decide whether you are more likely to get hungover drinking multiple pumpkin martinis or the mysterious “ghouls punch”.
Pregnancy: I’m fat. I can’t drink. I’m hormonal and I can’t watch scary movies because I cry hysterically when someone gets murdered. Thank god Costco sells gigantic bags of Halloween candy.
Post-Pregnancy: My Halloweens now involve watching Dora’s Halloween Adventure, spending hours deciding on a costume for a kid who is too young to understand the concept of costumes, and convincing myself that I have enough willpowerm(I don’t) to buy candy for the Trick or Treaters 2 weeks in advance and still have some left for the 31st.
Pre-Pregnancy: You are grossed out by things like a smelly trash can, stinky gym sneakers and your husband’s farts.
Pregnancy: You are in constant fear that the smell of anything will make you nauseous. Your pregnant self is no longer in control of your own farts (who was the crazy person who said pregnancy makes a woman feel sexy?!), therefore you have no leverage when it comes to yelling at your husband for his free flowing farts.
Post Pregnancy: You now have a nose of steel and are basically immune to all rancid smells ranging from vomit to diarrhea to bottles filled with 2 oz of rotten milk that rolled underneath the seat of the car 2 months ago.
Pre-Pregnancy: Wooo hooo let’s party!
Pregnancy: Begin a 9 month countdown until you can enjoy a bubble bath and glass of wine. Do they serve wine in the maternity ward?
Post Pregnancy: Any woman who has to deal with more than 1 bodily fluid that is not theirs on a daily basis deserves a gift. This gift is called WINE and it is God’s way of saying “thank you” to all of the mothers out there.
Pre-Pregnancy: Laundry can be a drag, but it’s totally worth it to have a closet full of cute clothes to choose from!
Pregnancy: Laundry has become a little more of a drag with a big belly, but it is so worth it to get all of the teeny tiny clothes washed and ready for your new baby.
Post Pregnancy: You have NO idea how a family of three can produce SO.MUCH.FREAKING.LAUNDRY. You thought the random skid mark on your husband’s underwear was gross enough, but realize it is nothing compared to the shit (literally and figuratively) that comes our of your kid’s hamper.
Pre-Pregnancy: Sure, going out is fun sometimes, but you often decide last minute that you’d rather stay in and are forced to come up with lame excuses like: “So sorry to have to cancel last minute, but my boss is a bitch and is making me work late, but we’ll definitely get together next week, k?!”.
Pregnancy: You may have had to go through a rough few months of morning sickness and you are weighing in 30 pounds heavier, but pregnancy is the best excuse to get out of doing something you don’t want to do. Who’s going to question a pregnant lady?!
Post Pregnancy: Pregnancy was a good excuse to get out of doing stuff, but actually having a kid is a GREAT excuse. Just throw the word kid out there and the other person will either a) be a parent and totally understand or b) get bored and want to end the conversation once you mention little Johnny’s runny nose.
Pre Pregnancy: You love finding cute new items for your home. You spend hours on Pinterest and flipping through design magazines for decorating inspiration.
Pregnancy: Your decorating skills are 100% centered on the nursery. You are facing HUGE decisions like Easter Egg Yellow vs Ballerina Slipper Pink and Monkeys vs Ducks.
Post Pregnancy: Color palettes, functional furniture placement and accessories no longer come into play when it comes to decorating your home. Decorating with children revolves around finding fabrics/surfaces that can withstand grimy hands, moving furniture to cover the Infamous Paint Spill of 2011 and placing all vases/picture frames/candles out of reach of mischievous toddlers.
Pre-Pregnancy: It’s what you do to keep clean, wash your hair and shave your legs.
Pregnancy: By the time you put the conditioner in your hair you are tired and wish you chose to take a bath instead. No matter how many months you’ve been pregnant you still can’t quite figure out how to maneuver around your big belly in order to shave your legs.
Post Pregnancy: Screw hair washing and leg shaving (haha, remember when that was done more than a few times a month?!), shower time has now become your only alone time. The first 10-15 minutes of your “shower” you sprawl out on the bathroom floor catching up on your gossip mags, checking Facebook and munching on your secret stash of Reese’s Pieces. Your total actual shower time has been expertly condensed to a 90 second rinse off in order to maximize your alone time.
Pre-Pregnancy: You’re a badass chick with awesome taste in music. You rock out to everything from Sublime to the Doors to Bob Marley to Pink (when you are in a girl power mood 😉 ).
Pregnancy: You are still a badass chick with awesome taste in music. Since you’re now “listening for two” you’ve added classical music to your repertoire because who doesn’t want a genius baby who loves Mozart?!
Post-Pregnancy: You have given up rocking out at musical festivals for hokey pokey-ing to Toddler Tunes. You now know the lyrics to songs like “Don’t Bite Your Friends” by Yo Gabba Gabba, “We’ve Had A Great Day” by The Fresh Beat Band and “Don’t Keep It Bottled Up Inside” by the weird lady on Nick Jr.
What parts of YOUR life have changed because of the 3 P’s?!?