My husband (and apparently about 30 other basketball obsessed men) plays basketball EVERY Tuesday/Thursday at 5:00am (I know, insane, right?). This little compulsion of his is slightly annoying/kind of adorable. Annoying: sneaker selection, ball outfit, summary of how he played comprises at least 45% of our weekly discussions. Also, when he leaves the house at 4:30am (only farmers and crazy people get up willingly at that hour) in inevitably wakes up our daughter, which means I am forced to start my day. Adorable: The excitement he gets from this little hobby is comparable to a 6 year old on Christmas morning.
Anyway, after two hours of Itsy Bitsy Spider, Peek A Boo and wishing that I was still sleeping, I finally get my daughter distracted by a particularly interesting Dora and manage to doze off for a glorious 10 minutes. Bbbriiiiing bbrrrrrrrriiiinggggg brriiiiiingggggggggg. Seriously?!
(Picking up the phone)
Me: Unless you’re calling to tell me my house is on fire or that I won a million dollars then I don’t care what you have to say.
Husband:(annoyingly chipper) Morning Babe!
Me: Yep, I’ve known it was morning since 4:30am. What’s up? How was basketball, any slam dunks?
Husband: OMG, you’ll never guess what happened.
Me: I’ll be more likely to guess if I know that you are bringing me coffee.
Husband: Yeah, sure. Ok, so anyway…So we all started playing and then more guys came and we were going over to start playing on the second court and guess what?
Me: Sorrrrrryyy I didn’t know you really wanted me to guess! Ummmm…people were playing basketball?
Husband: No! This guy was training this kid!!!!!! And took up the whole second court!!!!!!!!!(FYI that is not a superfluous amount of exclamation points, that barely conveys the excitement in his voice).
Me:(obviously there was no chance of trying to subdue my sarcastic tendencies, I hadn’t even had coffee yet) OH MY GOD, you are kidding me?!? Who the hell does this guy think he is? How dare he? That is the most preposterous thing I’ve heard all week.
Husband: Baaaaaaaaaabe( I’m starting to think my daughter picked up her habit of whining from my husband).
Me: Sorry, I just don’t get why your group can’t just deal with playing on one court. I mean,
your morning basketball games aren’t a scheduled activity or anything. It’s technically open gym time, so doesn’t that give anyone the right to play basketball? There are two courts, you don’t really need both of them.
Husband: Yes we do, we always use both courts! (At this point it becomes clear that I will be the one responsible for teaching my daughter about rational thinking)
I’ll spare you the rest of the details of the slightly excruciating 20 minute conversation. But, basically what happened was a group of 30 grown men threw a tantrum because the second basketball court was being used by two other guys. Words were said, someone “got in his face”, people complained to management, etc. This is where my story should end but no…
Brrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggg Brrrrriiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggg Brrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggg
(Is it possible that the phone is somehow set to have a more annoying ring before 7:00am?)
(Picking Up Phone)
Me: Good Mor….
Husband:(rudely cutting me off) THAT DUDE WAS THERE AGAIN TRAINING THAT KID!
Me: This is getting serious. Maybe you should bring this issue to your local congressman.
Husband:But this time he brought the kid parents to watch AND they had a video camera!
Me: What’s wrong with that? Maybe the kid wanted to show his parents how he’s improved and he asked them to tape it so he could remember everything.
Husband: NO WAY. He’s doing it just to piss us off and so he’ll have it on tape in case any one confronts him again.
Me: Uhhhh, yeah maybe…
Husband: Not maybe, definitely.
Me: Well just be sure you remember all the details so you can someday tell our future son cautionary tales about “The Week Of One Court”.
Again, I will not force you to read the details of the rest of this conversation. Since, I know you are dying to know the status of the bball court….There was another confrontation between the basketball boys and the trainer/kid, one of the men almost got kicked out of the gym because he was getting so angry, numerous emails have been written to the employees/management/owners of the gym and most importantly, they are all keeping one another updated every detail of this serious matter via email.
This past week has taught me quite a few things about men:1) They are drama queens just like women 2) They have no common courtesy/knowledge of how early it is acceptable to call someone 3) They tend to get too comfortable with certain situations and have major difficulty adjusting when things don’t go their way 4)There is way too much testosterone brewing in a gym at 5:00am
After realizing the “importance” of this matter, I nixed the outwardly sarcastic comments (thank god for inner dialogue). I will continue to be a good wife and listen to and agree with my husband’s stories about the events of morning basketball. Before you start thinking I’ve become all Stepford wife-y, please realize that I have an ulterior motive. Now, whenever my husband bitches about my love of reality tv and about how stupid the Housewives of OC/New York/Miami/New Jersey are because all they do is create unnecessary drama, I will simply say two simple words: Basketball Drama.
Is it just me?? Are your husbands drama queens too?