Like everyone else, I have been through many ups and downs in my life. Over the years I have become aware of my strengths/weaknesses, and learned to adapt and deal with many different situations. I have prided myself on being a well rounded individual... overly emotional, with a temper and a bit bratty... but well rounded nonetheless. The second I became a mother, I learned that all these “skills” I had picked up over the years meant nothing. As far as motherhood was concerned, I was born yesterday. For the first few weeks of being a mom, I felt completely and utterly unprepared. Apparently,you don't magically learn how to be a mom from reading “What To Do When You’re Expecting”. Damn. After the first few months of being a mom I began to (slowly) catch on. I was like the first caveman who discovered fire, I kept knocking shit together and finally I got a spark.
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years and slowly, I started to hone my mama skills. Everyday I continue to hone those skills, but needless to say at least once a day I still feel clueless.
Being a mom is HARD, really hard. The other day, during “Mommy’s Favorite Time Of Day” (aka my daughter's nap time) I spent time really thinking about the logistics of being a mom and how difficult it is. Thinking about this brought my
demented creative mind to the book/movie Hunger
Games. We moms, I realized, have our own version of Hunger Games...Mommy Games. Here's a breakdown:
The tributes show off their skills in front of an audience in order to prove themselves and assert their dominance over the other tributes.
Hellloooo?? Have you ever been to a “Mommy and Me” type playgroup ( I actually don’t go that often, I wasn’t accepted, you can read about that here). I don’t know about your experiences, but mine have not been exactly pleasant. Moms are constantly trying to (not-so-subtly) show off their Bugaboo stroller, color coordinated Lacoste outfits (come on, it's playgroup, not Fashion Week), perfectly packed diaper bag or their vegan-gluten-free-quinoa-cherry-bars that they so smartly remembered to pack just in case little Violet gets hungry.
Tributes must always be prepared for a sneak attack at any hour and therefore train their bodies to work on minimal amount of sleep.
Sleep? Isn't that the thing I used to do for 8 hours a night before I had a baby? When every else is tucked in tight, mommy is picking up toys, finishing the dishes from dinner or basking in the 30 minutes of alone time I get a day. The next morning, when I am pouring my
third fourth cup of coffee I try to make myself feel better by chant one of the main Mommy Game motto's "sleep is for the weak, sleep is for the weak".
In order to prevent themselves from harm, tributes must be alert and aware of any potential land mines or booby traps.
On any given day there is a 25% chance that the bottom of my bare foot will come in contact with a stray Lego or a plastic barnyard animal. There is a 98% chance it will be followed by a four letter word.
You think that fire, wind, mud, water, and bugs can do a number on your appearance? Try drool, pee, boogers, poop, and spaghetti. Those are just a few of the "elements" I have to deal with within the first few hours of my day. Some days I am lucky if "disheveled" is the adjective used to describe my appearance.
Mommy's must always vigilantly scan the room when entering non-baby proofed territory. Every mother knows that seemingly innocent items like a stray paper clip, uncovered wall socket or a sharp edge of a glass coffee table can cause havoc in the Mommy Games and must be avoided at all costs.
In the Hunger Game it is imperative that you constantly survey your surroundings to avoid an attack.
In order to survive in the hunger games, it is necessary to acquire a fully stocked arsenal of weapons.
In the Mommy Games things like daggers, bow and arrows, axes and guns mean nothing. A mommy’s arsenal must be fully equipped with pacifiers, baby wipes, sippy cups, blankies, Yo Gabba Gabba DVDs, coffee and of course, most importantly, wine.
To all my other Mommy Games Mamas: Happy Mommy Games and may the odds forever be in your favor.