Bacon-egg-cheese burrito, pasta, chicken wings, peanut butter crackers, McDonald’s hamburger, beer. That is what my husband ate yesterday. Egg whites and spinach, salad, grilled fish, broccoli and water. That is what I ate yesterday. In what universe is it fair that my husband gets to eat whatever he wants and not gain weight while I even look at a chocolate chip cookie and gain 4 pounds. I know, I know, life’s not fair, but for some reason bitching about it seems to help a bit.
Seriously, I’m really starting to resent my husband…A LOT. It’s bad. Last night as I was eating a boring piece of grilled fish and a salad (I’m so OVER leafy greens), my brows were furrowed, I had a sneer on my face and was emitting daggers from my eyeballs to my husband’s plate of Fettuccine Alfredo. And the worst part was that I didn’t even notice I was doing it until my husband looked over with fear in his eyes asking what he did wrong. “Eating! That’s what you’re doing wrong!” I know, I obviously have some severe psychological issues that I should probably get checked out, but for now…I will rant.
I have always had to “watch my weight”. Unfortunately I am not one of those aliens girls that can eat whatever they want and fit into a size 2 pair of skinny jeans. If I don’t watch what I eat and exercise, fat sticks to my ass faster then you can say stuffed crust pizza (yum). Over the years I have learned what works for my body to keep my weight in check. But after I had Ella, everything changed. Despite working out 5 times a week, eating healthy and cutting down on my wine consumption (cutting down, not cutting out, mommy needs her magic potion), I still can’t drop the last 15 pounds.
I know all of you mamas out there can totally understand my frustration. Unless, Jessica Alba and Giselle Bundchan are reading this-you freaks lost all of your baby weight in 6 weeks?! You two are a disgrace to mothers all over the world! Way to make all the rest of us feel bad. Not being able to lose all the baby weight is one thing, I can handle that. Working my ass off and not being able to lose weight, I can still handle that, but it’s SUPER annoying. Working my ass off and not being able to lose weight while my thin husband sits next to me eating fried food and chocolate cake, that, my friend, I CANNOT handle.
When I got pregnant my husband hopped on the “eating for two” train. Apparently, it looks like he forgot to get off. Not only does he eat a lot, but he thinks about eating all of the time. Within 20 minutes of eating breakfast, he’ll ask me what he thinks he should have for lunch! He must be some sort of magician because he managed to fit a food obsessed 300 pound man in the body of a basketball playing 175 pound freak! Then, to top it all off, he’ll sit on the couch with crumbs in his belly button saying things like “ughhh I’m getting so fat” and pinch his ¼” fat roll on his stomach while I am on the floor finishing my fourth set of crunches.
I’m sure this situation is just as annoying for my husband. On a good day I’m not exactly easy to deal with, on a day where I get on the scale and am not happy with the number I am…well you can imagine. I’m pretty sure it’s not fun for my husband when his two dogs and wife stare at him taking bites of his grilled cheese sandwich, wishing that they will be the one that he throws a scrap to. My husband really deserves to be fat. I’m sure that one day, when he is obese, I will regret wishing that he would get fat. Until then, I will attempt to reduce his calorie intake (and my need to taste food that doesn’t come from the ground or a tree) by saying things like “If you really loved me, you’d save me the last bite”.