2 What Your Husband Really Wants For Father's Day

Every holiday I stress out over what to get my husband.  By the time Christmas, Valentine's Day, Our Anniversary and His Birthday have passed, I am completely out of gift ideas.  This year I decided to be thrifty, crafty and creative when it came to my husband's Father's Day Gift.  Coupons!  Check 'em out...

 

 

What kind of coupon would you give your husband??

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17 World's Worst Coworker

It has taken me years to get into my work at home groove: learning discipline, time management skills and the self control not to sit on the sofa and catch up on all of my favorite trash tv.  Too bad all of my work at home “groove” is shot to shit for the blood-pressure-raising-months known as Summer “Break”. For the next three months my in-home office will be filled with toys, chaos and popsicle sticks. While I would love to spend my days at home with my two year old daughter doing fun art projects and swimming, I am stuck answering phones and writing emails while my daughter stares at me.  Normally, I wouldn’t mind a little extra company during my workday, but it has become increasingly apparent that toddlers have no sense of office decorum.

6 Reasons Toddlers Make the WORST Coworkers

• I’m not what you’d call a fashionista, but I can certainly put together an outfit.  My coworker has  absolutely no concept of proper work attire. Mismatched, unconventional outfits are common: bright yellow shorts and a pink bathing suit, pants that are obviously too small and even tutus.  Not to mention that sometimes her clothes are covered in food. You’d think that she was just learning to feed herself.  Worst of all, there have even been times that I have seen her run around topless.

• They have no attention span whatsoever.  One minute she’ll be talking on her bright red phone, the next minute she is “typing” on her Leapfrog laptop, the next minute she is haphazardly rummaging through bins. Sometimes, she’ll even ask to turn on the tv! It is seriously distracting.

• The office small talk is really limited.  I totally get that people have different interests. I’m just saying it would be great if just once we could chat about something other than colors, the noises that different animals make and the numbers 1-10.

• They are extremely immature.  Whining, fussing, throwing things and even crying.  And I’m not talking about hiding in a bathroom stall after your boss yells at you crying.  I mean full blown sobbing sessions in the middle of the room.  

• I am exhausted 99.9% of the time, but like most other people, I suck it up and drink copious amounts of caffeine.  How does my coworker handle exhaustion? She sleeps! In the Middle.Of.The.Day! She has no qualms about it.  Late morning, early afternoon, late afternoon, you name it, it seems that my co worker thinks anytime is fair game for a nap.

• We have no sort of social relationship whatsoever.  Many of my friends will meet up with their coworkers for Happy Hour after a long day or a nice dinner to celebrate a difficult project ending.  My coworker sticks to a strict schedule of dinner/bath/bedtime. Lame.

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8 Mediocre Mama Moment: It Wasn't Me

Some days I kick motherhood’s ass...I cook healthy meals, I teach my child valuable lesson, I actually fold the clothes that have been sitting in the dryer for three days. These days do occur, but honestly not as often as I’d like.  Instead, there are many days where I am a half assed mommy.  I cut corners, I go against all the parenting books and I let my kid eat ice cream for dinner.  In an attempt to learn from my screw ups, I have decided to  highlight them in “Mediocre Mama Moment.

I am not a fan of “mommy groups”.  I am always awkward, I hate useless small talk and in an attempt to cover up these two facts, I usually make a slightly off color inappropriate joke that makes everyone feel a little uncomfortable. To make matter worse, since my daughter and I rarely attend mother daughter torture groups play dates, she is inevitably the worst child there. Screaming, pushing, whining, booger wiping, you name it. 

Recently, I had a lapse in judgement and decided to give play groups another shot.  The play time portion actually went better than expected.  Just as I began to give myself a theoretical pat on the back for being a fabulous mother who is friendly, engaged and attentive to my daughter's needs, I experienced a Mediocre Mama Moment.

After the play portion of our day was over all of the moms congregated around the aging orange tables and began to unpack their snacks.  Since I had no idea that this play group was going to involve a snack session I had nothing prepared. I frantically dug through my purse praying that I would have something edible other than breath mints to offer my daughter. Lucky for me I found a slightly smushed granola bar that I threw in my purse a few days before. As I victoriously yanked the granola bar from my bag, my elbow hit the uncovered cup of the kid who was sitting next to me.  Was the kid drinking water? No, of course not, he was drinking bright red Hi C Fruit Punch. As I watched the red liquid travel over the table and drip into diaper bags and all over one (soon to be angry)mom's expensive looking white cardigan I silently cursed my clumsiness and the mom who let her kid drink a cup of fruit punch with no lid.  In that split second I knew I had to think fast to remedy the situation, before I knew it I exclaimed "ELLA!! Why did you push that cup over???!?!? We do NOT tip cups over".  Yep, I blamed it on my poor, confused two year old daughter.  Using your toddler as a scape goat definitely gets filed under Mediocre Mama Moment.

Have YOU ever blamed your child for something you did? Tell me about it!! 

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7 Time Out

It has taken me awhile to submit to the sad but true fact that once you have kids you are really no longer in control.  Whether you like it or not, your little mini me is secretly calling all the shots. At least that’s what I believed until I discovered the glorious empowering concept of time out.  With a simple threat of the dreaded, frightening TIME OUT (insert evil laugh here) I can often diffuse a tantrum in 3 seconds flat.  After two years of having literally no control over what my daughter chooses to do, this new found Time Out power has gotten to my head.  I got to thinking how FANTASTIC it would be if  I had the power to send anyone to Time Out...ohhh the possibilities!  Here is who made it to my Time Out List this week:

The woman at my gym in full makeup, blown out hair and a teeny tiny sports bra that barely covered her (beach balls) fake boobs who had to pick the treadmill right next to mine.  She deserves a time out for not emitting one bead of sweat while I huffed and puffed next to her in a sweat soaked ratty tshirt that most like has some sort of kid related stain on it.

My dogs who insist on acting like complete assholes by peeing on any new toy we bring into the house. The second my daughter stops playing with the toy, my dogs race over and “mark their territory” leaving poor Minnie Mouse in a big yellow puddle.

The overachieving mom who I was paired with for snack day at my daughters school. My bags of string cheese and boxes of graham crackers didn’t stand a chance next to the beautifully constructed palm trees made out of bananas and kiwis (wtf?!).  Proof that there should definitely be “Pinterest Anonymous” meetings.

My husband because for the 758th time he “accidentally” let one of my beloved reality tv shows get bumped from the DVR list to make room for some 3 hour snoozefest on ESPN. Does he not realize that The Bachelorette is the only thing that gets me through Mondays??

The mother in the grocery store who managed to shop calmly and efficiently with a toddler, pre teen and an infant in a designer Baby Bjorn. The kids worked together to help their mom shop! To make matters worse, the mother (who was obviously part witch) saved  $200 with her perfectly clipped and organized coupons. This woman gets sent to a long time out because judging by the way her children were acting, she is evidently sedating them.

The cashier at the wine store who smirked and said “No, it’s ok I don’t need it” when I tried to show her my ID.

If only.....

If you could, who would YOU send to time out??

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6 Crazy Mama Drama Cocktail Hour: Skinny Cocktails!

It's official, summer is almost here.  While some people are so excited for the arrival of summer, I am not.  To me summer means, bathing suits(ew), kids at home all day/every day and daily temperatures in the triple digits (screw you Arizona).  Maybe I'm just bitter because I just got back from vacation and I know there is not another trip anywhere in the near future. Regardless of my Debbie Downer attitude about summer, there is one thing that always perks me up: cocktail hour.  Generally, I am a wine girl( with some beer thrown in to make me a more well rounded drinker), but something about the warm weather puts me in the mood for some fun fruity cocktails.  Unfortunately most of these fun fruity drinks are loaded with evil "make you look shitty in your bathing suit" calories, so I have searched far and wide and spent long hours testing(let's be honest, I had a blast) different recipes in the quest to find the best "skinny" cocktails.  Cheers!

Watermelon Lime Martini

-2.5 ounces of Watermelon Flavored Vodka
-1 ounce of Fresh Squeezed Lime Juice
-1/2 packet of Stevia
-4 cubes of watermelon
-Splash of Soda Water

Place watermelon cubes at the bottom of a cocktail shaker add Stevia.  Pour in vodka and lime juice and add a scoop of ice. Shake it, shake, shake it. Shake for 30-45 seconds. Be sure you shake it hard so the juice from the watermelon gets released. Strain into a martini glass and top with a splash of soda water.

Strawberry Mojito

-6 Mint Leaves

-1/2 of a Lime(sliced)

-4 Strawberries(sliced)

-1.75 ounces of White Rum

-8 ounces of Club Soda

-Packet of Stevia(optional)

Place limes, strawberries and mint at the bottom of a glass and muddle the ingredients(muddling basically means smush together gently).  If you don't have a muddler you can use a wooden spoon(it won't be perfect, but it will get the job done). Add rum, soda and ice cubes.  If your strawberries are not sweet enough, feel free to add some Stevia to sweeten it up.

By Far The Best Skinny Margarita

-2 ounces of Silver Tequila(I am a penny pincher, but in this case, invest in the good stuff. The better the booze the better the drink will taste)

-1.5 ounce of Fresh Lime Juice

-1.5 ounces of Fresh Orange Juice

-1 ounce of Fresh Lemon Juice

-Dash of Agave Nectar

Place all ingredients in a shaker add ice and shake. Strain into an ice filled, salt rimmed glass.  Many people build their margaritas over ice, but trust me, shaking it makes it way better!

*These are all single serving recipes.  Adjust as needed.

These are a few of my favorite "skinny cocktail" recipes! Try one, try two, hell try 'em all! Now you are all set for summer with a fresh batch of cocktails to drink at the pool, at a party or hiding in a closet dreading the looooong summer with the kids out of school.

What's YOUR fav skinny cocktail??!!

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5 Mommy Spotting

It’s that special time of year.  Hallmark celebrates us with greeting cards with floral designs and cheesy rhymes.  Restaurants celebrate us with over priced prix fixe brunches.  But, if we are really lucky we are celebrated by our adoring family and showered with macaroni necklaces, homemade almost inedible breakfast in bed and flowers purchased last minute by husbands who forgot that Mother’s Day was in May.  

You may be able to spot us by our appearance. We are the women whose hair is most likely a little disheveled and greasy.  We either a) have not had the time to shower or style our hair. or b) had time to shower, but just before the conditioner was washed out of our hair someone yells “mommmmmmmmmmmmmmy” resulting in weighed down, flat hair until our next glorious 4 minutes of freedom shower.  Or maybe our clothes are the dead giveaway: slightly wrinkled, possibly stained and definitely not something that would have ever walked the runway.  Please, don’t judge us. Maybe, pre-children we were once glamorous and trendy.  Post children, we will hands down pick the comfort of yoga pants over the stylish look of skinny jeans any day.

We are the women who carry purses the size of small suitcases.  Not by choice or for a fashion statement, but rather by necessity. Because for a mom the basics are not an option. We are the ones whose purses are as well stocked as Walgreens. Yes, carrying a clutch would be glorious, but it sure as hell wouldn’t hold a sippy cup, granola bar, hand sanitizer, tissues, 4 broken crayons, a GI Joe, hair ties, band aids and a McDonalds Happy Meal Toy.

We are the women at the grocery store who looks like they have lost their minds. We hop/skip/sing/dance through the aisles like a court jester, doing anything to distract our children from the millions of items they are trying to grab.  We race through the store trying quickly gather a few healthy ingredients and avoid the snack and toy aisle at all costs.  You may think we are rude because of our quick pace, annoyance at the the long deli counter line and avoidance of friendly small talk.  It is not that we are rude, it’s that we know that shopping with a child is like carrying a ticking time bomb.  We just want to get out before it goes off.

We are the women you see at Starbuck’s/Dunkin Donuts/Coffee Plantation eagerly awaiting our “fix”. Somedays we may look as desperate for our Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte as the junkie downtown on the corner trying to score some drugs.  Trust me, we need it. It could have been a bad dream that resulted in an all night rocking chair session or waking up at 3:00am remembering that you need to bake 4 dozen cookies for the bake sale the next day.  Whatever it was, on any given day, we are are moms and therefore are exhausted.

We are the women with that strange mixture of joy/exhaustion/worry/amazement/stress.  We are the women who grew a human being inside of our bodies, gave birth and now have to figure out how the hell to turn these mini-mes into functioning beings. We are happy.  We are sad.  We are hysterical.  We are calm.  We are competent.  We are scared.  We are MOMS and this is OUR day.  So say thank you, give us a hug, tell us how beautiful we are and pour us a nice big glass of wine.

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12 Top Ten Inventions That Would Make Moms Happy

A portable "Mommy Potty Mouth" bleeper.  For those times when “shucks” just won’t cut it.

A color changing diaper that alerts a parent of the contents.  So you know the perfect time to tell your husband that he’s on diaper duty.

Stain resistant/dirt repellant/non wrinkle children’s clothing that expands as they grow.

A children’s tv show that does not annoy,bore,illicit eye rolls from parents. Preferably without a bilingual main character with an oversized head that is constantly yelling.

An invisible leash for kids.  So you can make sure your kids stay nearby, but you don’t have to be the the parent who has their kid on a leash.

Calorie free, hangover free wine. Enough said.

Tantrum stopping potion. This would be especially helpful to limit mommy’s intake of her own “Dealing with Tantrum Potion”(see above).

Toys that magically put themselves back in their place at bedtime ( I never said these were realistic, a mom can dream).

A Blankie that can stand the test of time without turning a funky grey color and smelling faintly of pee even after four washes.

A live in housekeeper. Yes, I know this is not an invention, but wouldn’t life be SO much easier if we all had and Alice from Brady Bunch to help out?

What do you guys think? What do YOU wish would be invented??

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